Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Romance Cliches I Can't Stomach

For true happily ever afters a pure romance novel must follow these rules...

  • Rule 1: The heroine must never be more successful than the hero. If she begins the story being more successful, either she will lose her success or the hero will all of sudden strike it bigger (because of his savvy and hard work paying off, of course)
    • Corollary 1A: If the hero left the heroine poor, he will return rich.
    • Corollary 1B: If the heroine and hero are in the same position, career-wise, then the hero will be a natural talent and the heroine will struggle with her successes, if any.
  • Rule 2: The heroine must have enjoyed sex with the hero the most. Most of the time the hero is her first, but now that sexual mores are relaxing, a more experienced heroine still can't truly enjoy sex with anyone but the hero. Because true love=best sex of your life. Oddly enough, she can also have enjoyed sex with her dead husband (not just ex-husband, unless he is also the hero), but that sex will be described as 'warm'--not hot.
  • Rule 3: If the heroine hurts a man and is not punished/doesn't say 'sorry,' then the man is not her true love. (The story is letting us know that he isn't the one, and showing us that we will soon see the man being terrible to the heroine.)
  • Rule 4: The hero can be as rough as he wants when it comes to lovemaking-- if he can't convince her that it's good, then he isn't 'the one' (and only then is he a rapist). See Rule 2.
  • Rule 5: If the heroine is doing her own thing that is incompatible with the hero's...life, then she must give up the life she built because he sure won't give up his.
  • Rule 6: If the couple doesn't have big, dramatic, and passionate fights, then the man will prove to not be the one.
  • Rule 7: Hate always turns to love if the hero is persuasive enough.
  • Rule 8: Heroine can't control her responses during sex or even making out.
  • Rule 9: If the heroine has made a mess of her life, the hero will be the only one who can sort her out.
  • Rule 10: If she's rich, he's also rich. If she's poor, then he's rich. See Rule 1 They will only be about equal if they're blue-collar or middle class.
  • Rule 11: Even if the hero appreciates larger than average women, the woman will still be self-conscious about her body and lose the weight by the end.
  • Rule 12: The bad boy must be emasculated by the love of a good woman.
  • Rule 13: If the heroine is a bitch--that's fiesty. If the Other Woman is bitchy, she's a bitch who deserves only bad things to happen to her.
  • Rule 14: She so bootiful, but she doesn't know it.
  • Rule 15: One man-- arrogant, more aggressive, and more domineering. Other--respectful, quiet, and egaltarian. Who wins? Mr. Testosterone, of course. But she is still rather fond of Other.

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