Writing from the Doldroms

Writing when I'm emotionally all over the place is impractical on most of these occasions.  I'm being pulled in too many different directions (most of them down), and focusing on a story that takes good deal of concentration is a no-go.

My writing takes a back seat to the upheaval going on in my mind.

And it's not like I can use that as a channel to reflect what's going on with me in what I'm writing. I can barely get my fingers on the keyboard, or around a pen, to get a story down in the first place. I'm distracted with my attention wandering from worry to worry, from fear to fear.

I feel helpless during these periods, trying to get through but stuck in a thick funk. The more I fight, the more I sink and the losing battle just makes things worse. I'm currently climbing out a minor downswing and I think I'm learning to fend off the valleys a little bit better than in the past.

Things I turn to to keep my spirits up:

• Prayer
  I don't know why I don't pray more. Usually, praying stops my downward spiral in its tracks. I have to learn to let go of things that I really have no control over and give it all over to the One who has everything in His hands.
• Fasting and Meditation
  My body is a weak, decaying, faulty thing and I'd be a fool to depend on it or to think it won't fail me. Realizing that mood shifts are a part of my body's weaknesses helps me to put my situation into perspective. I will have low tides as well as high.
• Finding a purpose
  Not just long-term, "what do I want my life's meaning to be" purposes. But daily, moment-by-moment purpose. Why am I writing this? Why do I need to write this? Questions like these keep me focused, willing, and eager to write because if I have good answers then I know I'm not wasting my time on something trivial. At the end of it, I will have something worthwhile that I have accomplished, and that makes me feel more worthwhile.
• Keeping up the daily routine
  The temptation to just sleep it off or take a break is overwhelming. Sometimes it's necessary, but not as much as I'd like to think. I could stop exercising, eating right, cleaning, reading the Bible, or writing every day, but though I may feel a momentary reprieve, breaking the good habits I have set up just pushes me into a depression in the long run.
• Recommitting to my goals
  Sometimes I just want to throw it all away because of a temporary feeling that will eventually ease. When I am feeling bleak and pessimistic is definitely not the time to reconsider my goals, but to cling to them even more. Once I'm stable again, I'll be able to look over at what I set to see if I'm doing too much or too little or if I have made my goals tangible enough. 

I don't like being sad and moody for long periods of time, but I have to accept that sometimes it will happen. That doesn't mean that my life has to come to a standstill, and that realization has made these periods of my life that much more bearable.

Getting to My Goals

I have made myself a goal of writing a million words of fiction. What doesn't count: poetry, non-fiction, work I do for others, or notes. Fiction prose only.

However, I'm not a very patient person. If I continue at the rate I have been, I won't reach 1 million words for six years. I set this goal so that I will improve my writing, and after that I can really push and experiment with stories. Six years is a long time to wait, just to really begin writing.

Therefore, my new sub-goal is to write 50,000 words a month for 12 months, for a total of...(grabs calculator) 600,000 words. That, added to the hundred thousand I've written since making this goal would put me very close to my overall goal.

So far, I'm not doing so good. December crapped out for me at 15K, but January is looking okay. In two days I'll be over the 15K that took me a whole month to do before. I have to write every day without procrastinating (I love procrastination! It's my favorite country) or letting my emotional turmoil or schedule get in the way of sitting down and getting it out.

The first thing I have learned about setting myself goals is that I need to make them just over realistic bounds because I always fall short. But falling short of 50K means that I got some writing done. In the end, that's all that counts.

Goals

Big sigh.

I'm making progress with most of my goals. The word count and writing everyday? No problem. The learning about the writing craft? Done and done.

The writing a different plot type to learn plots? No go. I can't finish the story I started. I just can't. It's not coming out the way I picture it. I'm so bored with it. I probably should just start over or on something else but... I'm lazy.

There. I said it.

I've been clocking in around two to four thousand words a week. I can do better. I will do better. I'll be diligent and persistent. Side note: I need to figure out how to update my goals more often.

Goal 1 Progress: January 11, 2012

Perspective demands that my stand-in
be one-tenth of a mountain.

Day 13 - January 11, 2012


Goal: Write every day.

Purpose: To make a habit of writing.

Mini-Goal: Learn the structures to different kinds of plots: Plot 1 - Quest

Actions: Wrote 2000 words detailing an overcomplicated magic system, 500 words of backstory, and 1000 words of story totaling 3500 words with an average of about 400 words a day (on the days I wrote).

Goal 1: Write Every Day

I'm procrastinating by making illustrations!

Before 2011, I wrote maybe 5,000 words a year. Pretty pathetic. I have folders full of stories and poems I began but never finished. They all mock and taunt me every time I see the files.

But I'm leaving those habits behind. This year, I'm pleased to say that I've written over 100,000 words-- and that's just since May. I actually finished rough drafts and whole stories. I believe I'm well on my way to becoming a writer.

However, I can't stop now. It's time to kick this into high gear. If I'm going to be a writer (and not just any old one, but a good one), I need lots of practice and the habits of a good writer. Where I'm at now, I could easily fall back into writing a few hundred words every other month. I don't want that. Writing feels so good for me to let go of it now.

So what good habit do I want to develop? Well, lots of them. But I'll start with writing (almost) every day, or 5,000 words a week. I need a couple days a week to develop ideas and then I'm off. I'm only going to count poems and stories; brainstorming, revising/editing, or commenting (or blogging) won't be added to my goal. That will keep me from bs-ing myself.

I figure I have to get better if I write more, right? Right?